Hi everyone. The general consensus seems to be that Simon needs some help, so I've re-imagined two legendary team talks by the Scottish rugby coach Jim Telfer - both made on the successful British Lions tour to South Africa in 1997. Text borrowed from lionsrugbydotcom. Hope you like!
Speech One (for this week in training)
"There are two kinds of football players, lads - there's honest ones and there's the rest. The honest player gets up in the morning and looks himself in the f***ing mirror and sets his standard, sets his stall out, and says 'I'm going to get better and I'm going to get better and I'm going to get better'.
"He doesn't complain about the pitch or the referees or the food or all these sort of things. These are just peripheral things that weak players are always complaining about, the dishonest player.
"If I tell a player he's too slow or he's not close enough, he's too f***ing slow or he's not close enough, and that's it. I'm the judge and not the player and we accept that and we do something about it.
"I've taken Town teams away before and we've complained and we've carped about this, that and the next thing and I liken it a bit to the British going abroad on holiday. The first thing they look for is a f***ing English pub; the second thing they look for is a pint of Guinness; and the third thing they look for a is a fish and chip shop. The only thing they accept is the sun. They don't take on anything that's good or decent or different abroad.
"If we do that, we're sunk. We don't go back bitching. We don't go back harping 'We've done it like this at Wetherby Road'. No, no, no, these days are past. What's accepted over there is not accepted over here. It's not accepted by us, me and you.
"So from now on, the page is turned. We're on a new book, different attitudes. We're honest with ourselves. And in many respects in general play, unless we're f***ing honest, we could be second best. We can match them, but only if we get it right here (pointing to his head) and get it right here (pointing to his heart).
"Two weeks: there's battles all along the way. There's a battle on Saturday at Leamington before we're back at the f***king CNG. By that time we have to make the sulphurites roar for us, because they'll be baying for blood. Let's hope it's f***ing Stockport blood.
"We're focused. From now on, the kid gloves are off - it's bare knuckle f***ing stuff. And only at the end of the day will the man who's standing on his feet win the f***ing battle."
Speech Two (to be delivered just before the players run out against Stockport County in FA Cup)
"The easy bit has passed. Selection for the team is the easy bit. You have an awesome responsibility on these eleven individual players shoulders, an awesome responsibility.
"This your f***ing Everest boys. Very few ever get the chance in football terms to get to Everest, the top of Everest. You have the chance.
"Being picked is the easy bit. To reach the proper rounds of the FA Cup is the ultimate. But you'll not do it unless you put your bodies on the line. Everyone jack of you for 90 minutes.
"Defeat doesn't worry me: I've had it often and so have you. It's performance that matters. If you put in the performance, you'll get what you deserve, no luck attached to it. If you don't put it in, if you're not honest, they'll second rate us.
"They don't rate us, they don't respect us, they don't respect you, they don't rate you. The only way to be rated is to stick one on them, to get right up in their faces, to turn them round, knock them back, outdo what they can do, out tackle them, out pass them, out shoot them, out head them, out run them until they're f***ing sick of it.
"Remember the pledges you made. Remember how you depend on each other. You depend on each other at every set piece, teams within teams. Free-kicks, corners, throw-ins. They are better than you've played against before. They are better individually or they wouldn't be there. So it's an awesome task you have and it will only be done if, as I say, everybody commits themselves now.
"(Pointing to a whiteboard) That was written yesterday about us. Read it silently, take note of it, and then make a pledge. You are privileged. You are the chosen few. Many are considered but few are chosen.
"They don't think f**k all of us. Nothing. We're here just to make up the f***ing numbers. (Reading from the whiteboard) 'Their weak point is in midfield. Stockport must exploit this weakness. Stockport must concentrate on keeping possession in the centre of the park. Midfield will be the key. Their weakness is in midfield.'
"Nobody's going to do it for you. You have to find your own solace, your own drive, your own ambition, your own inner strength, because the moment's arriving for the greatest game of your f***ing lives."
Speech One (for this week in training)
"There are two kinds of football players, lads - there's honest ones and there's the rest. The honest player gets up in the morning and looks himself in the f***ing mirror and sets his standard, sets his stall out, and says 'I'm going to get better and I'm going to get better and I'm going to get better'.
"He doesn't complain about the pitch or the referees or the food or all these sort of things. These are just peripheral things that weak players are always complaining about, the dishonest player.
"If I tell a player he's too slow or he's not close enough, he's too f***ing slow or he's not close enough, and that's it. I'm the judge and not the player and we accept that and we do something about it.
"I've taken Town teams away before and we've complained and we've carped about this, that and the next thing and I liken it a bit to the British going abroad on holiday. The first thing they look for is a f***ing English pub; the second thing they look for is a pint of Guinness; and the third thing they look for a is a fish and chip shop. The only thing they accept is the sun. They don't take on anything that's good or decent or different abroad.
"If we do that, we're sunk. We don't go back bitching. We don't go back harping 'We've done it like this at Wetherby Road'. No, no, no, these days are past. What's accepted over there is not accepted over here. It's not accepted by us, me and you.
"So from now on, the page is turned. We're on a new book, different attitudes. We're honest with ourselves. And in many respects in general play, unless we're f***ing honest, we could be second best. We can match them, but only if we get it right here (pointing to his head) and get it right here (pointing to his heart).
"Two weeks: there's battles all along the way. There's a battle on Saturday at Leamington before we're back at the f***king CNG. By that time we have to make the sulphurites roar for us, because they'll be baying for blood. Let's hope it's f***ing Stockport blood.
"We're focused. From now on, the kid gloves are off - it's bare knuckle f***ing stuff. And only at the end of the day will the man who's standing on his feet win the f***ing battle."
Speech Two (to be delivered just before the players run out against Stockport County in FA Cup)
"The easy bit has passed. Selection for the team is the easy bit. You have an awesome responsibility on these eleven individual players shoulders, an awesome responsibility.
"This your f***ing Everest boys. Very few ever get the chance in football terms to get to Everest, the top of Everest. You have the chance.
"Being picked is the easy bit. To reach the proper rounds of the FA Cup is the ultimate. But you'll not do it unless you put your bodies on the line. Everyone jack of you for 90 minutes.
"Defeat doesn't worry me: I've had it often and so have you. It's performance that matters. If you put in the performance, you'll get what you deserve, no luck attached to it. If you don't put it in, if you're not honest, they'll second rate us.
"They don't rate us, they don't respect us, they don't respect you, they don't rate you. The only way to be rated is to stick one on them, to get right up in their faces, to turn them round, knock them back, outdo what they can do, out tackle them, out pass them, out shoot them, out head them, out run them until they're f***ing sick of it.
"Remember the pledges you made. Remember how you depend on each other. You depend on each other at every set piece, teams within teams. Free-kicks, corners, throw-ins. They are better than you've played against before. They are better individually or they wouldn't be there. So it's an awesome task you have and it will only be done if, as I say, everybody commits themselves now.
"(Pointing to a whiteboard) That was written yesterday about us. Read it silently, take note of it, and then make a pledge. You are privileged. You are the chosen few. Many are considered but few are chosen.
"They don't think f**k all of us. Nothing. We're here just to make up the f***ing numbers. (Reading from the whiteboard) 'Their weak point is in midfield. Stockport must exploit this weakness. Stockport must concentrate on keeping possession in the centre of the park. Midfield will be the key. Their weakness is in midfield.'
"Nobody's going to do it for you. You have to find your own solace, your own drive, your own ambition, your own inner strength, because the moment's arriving for the greatest game of your f***ing lives."